I find that it’s easier to keep your true self buried under several layers of untrue selves, to protect yourself.
just salt in the wound; a mix for a recovering post-winter soldier bucky; he’s just trying to find himself again, and even after all this time, steve’s always held onto a part of him xx [listen] xx [art]
tracklist: salt - bad suns // this is gospel (piano version) - panic! at the disco // fallen - winter soldier ost // sleep paralysis - bad suns // c’mon - panic! at the disco // monsters - band of horses // bloodstream - stateless // we move like the ocean - bad suns // recovery - james arthur // come back when you can - barcelona
I’ve been sitting on this for a while, since this topic has been pretty relevant in my life lately. As some of you may know, I was recently in the hospital for five days because I tried to commit suicide. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, and panic disorder. I…
I’ve been sitting on this for a while, since this topic has been pretty relevant in my life lately. As some of you may know, I was recently in the hospital for five days because I tried to commit suicide. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, and panic disorder. I also struggle with self harm and past eating disorders. I’m still in an intense treatment right now. And yet it wasn’t until today that I realized why I should be endlessly happy that I am still here.
I’m not going to kid you; life really fucking sucks like 40% of the time. And it’s so hard. It’s hard and crippling and terrifying, and that is life. Shitty stuff happens. And it happens a lot. Sometimes more than the good stuff happens. But, (and I know that if you’re like me, then you’ve heard these words a thousand times) it gets better.
But what does “better” mean? To some people, it means the problem goes away. But that’s just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. In life, your problems don’t go away. Some experiences leave wounds so deep that they take years to heal, and even then leave disfiguring scars that are a constant reminder of what you went through. Getting better doesn’t mean that all your problems go away. It means you’ve found the strength and the healthy coping skills to fight them.
Now, where do you find that strength? When you’ve been running through your tunnel so long that even if you did manage to see the light at the end you don’t know if you’d make it, where do you get the strength the keep blindly running in darkness? Where do you get the faith? How do you know that life is even still worth it, that it’s not just an endless time of suffering and loneliness? How do you find that hope?
If you feel like you can’t find that hope inside yourself, that you’re miserable to the core and just want it to all be over, find it in someone else. Give them what you can spare and let them nourish it, let them replenish you until you find the strength to start growing your own gardens again. Find someone who is gentle with your crushed flowers and whose hands bring them back. Put all your energy into helping others, hoping that, in the end, they will have helped you as well. When you help someone back up on their feet, their first few steps reborn are a beautiful thing. Isn’t life worth living if you can just do that? Remember that it’s okay to be a moon for a little while, reflecting other people’s beauty, but remember that the sun inside you isn’t lost, just a little buried is all. Find the beauty in others and let that guide you to finding the beauty in yourself.
And please, God, don’t kill yourself. I know it feels like hell right now. I know it feels like you will always be a moon and that your sun has died and that your flowers are too dead to ever be touched by life again. I know the longer you hold your broken parts the more they press into your palms and make you bleed and I know that you can’t give them away because you don’t trust anyone anymore to take care of all you have left. I know it hurts. And I know you’re tired. But you are not the only person who feels the world like this. Let them in. Find strength in them and let them learn from yours. There are people there, you just have to reach out a little farther, trust a little more, have faith for a little bit longer. And I promise you, it will get better.